Jokes and Memes of 2nd November 2021

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1) Fred came home from University in tears. “Mum, am I adopted?” he asked. “No of course not,” replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”
Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.
Perturbed, his mother called her husband.

“Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”
“Well, obviously!”
She gasped. “What do you mean?”
“It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”

2) Three men die on Christmas morning. They end up in front of the pearly gates and Saint Peter, even though none of them ever expected it.
Peter says “You guys drink, smoke and womanize. You shouldn’t be getting into heaven. However, it’s Christmas and I’m feeling festive. If you can each show me something Christmassy, I’ll let you in.”
The first man thinks for a bit, then pulls out his keys.

It’s a big keyring with lots of keys, and a couple of bottle openers. He shakes them around and says “listen to these jingle, that’s your sleigh bells right there! Very Christmassy.”
Peter chuckles to himself and says “bit of a stretch, but it’s clever, well done, I’ll let you in.”
The second man immediately pulls out a lighter and presses the switch. “Hey, look at this, it’s a Christmas candle!”

Peter smiles and nods, saying “fair play, I’ll give you that, in you go.”
The third man looks really nervous and stressed for a few minutes, trying to figure out what he can do. He feels in his pockets in hope and suddenly a smile lights his face. He excitedly pulls out a bra and a thong.
“Hold on a minute, that has nothing to do with Christmas” says Peter.
“Oh yes it does,” the man says, “these are Carol’s.”

3) A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry.. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.
The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen TV. She said, “I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.”
The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and re-invested the rest. She said, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”
The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

4) A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells : “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”
A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin.
Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?”
Man responds: “Of course I was thinking about Hitler!”;
Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: “Who were YOU thinking about?”

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5) 4 construction workers are parched from working under the hot sun all day.
They have run out of bottled water and decide to knock on the door of the 1 house on the block that is finished and occupied. An old lady answers , they tell their story and she invited them in.
They sit at her kitchen table to ensure the sofa stays clean. She goes to the kitchen to gather up glasses and ice and make them drinks.

Meanwhile, the guys notice a bowl of peanuts on the center of the table, and begin munching away. She returns , and the largest guy blushes and says, “Sorry Ma’am, we got a little carried away and ate all your peanuts while we were waiting.”
“OH, that’s quite alright,” says the old lady. “They are too hard for my weary jaw and teeth anyway. I just like to take my dentures out and suck the chocolate off of them.”

6) An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

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