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1) My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they’re TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting
Anyway, so I went up to my friend’s room, “How are you mate?”.
“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.
So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.
I say to them, “Your brother has sent me down here to have s*x with both of you”
They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.”
I shouted upstairs, “Hey, mate! Both of them?”
He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in f*cking one?”
2) A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John.
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that’s in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.
3) A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.
The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.
The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”
So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his p*nis.
So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: “First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to bl*w $100, she can stay home to do it.”
4) A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….
But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally f*cked.”
“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not f*cked.”
The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. Grab the spear from the savage next to you, run up to the chief and stab him in the chest.”
So the man, with nothing to lose, grabs the spear from the savage next to him, runs up to the chief and stabs him in the chest.
The man, as he’s standing over the chief who’s now dying in a pool of blood, looks up at the heavens and ask, “Now what, Lord?”
And the voice booms back, “OK. Now you’re f*cked.”
5) A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep
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6) An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total Stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, Or no Heaven or Hell,
or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns Out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I
have no idea.”
To which The little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”
And then she went back to reading her book.
7) There were two statues standing in the park.
One of a naked man, and one of a naked women.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.
One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most”
The male statue looks longingly at his female statue companion.
The female statue returns his lustful gaze.
They go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return , out of breath and laughing.
The angel looks at it’s watch, “Umm, you have fifteen minutes left….would you care to do it again?”
He asks her, “Shall we?”
She eagerly replies, “Oh yes, lets! But we should change the positions,…”
“This time , I’ll hold the pigeon down, and you crap on it’s head!”
8) The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had s*x together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to
himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having
s*x against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.
So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious s*x that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic s*x life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
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