Fresh Memes and Jokes of June 2022 – Edition 1

1) A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar. The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests: The first test: You see that man sitting back there? His name is Big Jim, he stands 6’5 feet tall (2 meters) and weighs 551 pounds (250 Kilograms), you have to knock him out. The second test: If you pass the first test, you have to get out of the bar, where there’s Big Jim’s dog. You have to remove a tooth from it.

The third test: If you pass the second test, you have to go on the second floor where there’s Big Jim’s mom, an 85 years old woman who never reached an orgasm. You have to fuck her like you have never done before. If you pass the three tests all the money in the jar will be yours, but I warn you, no one has ever managed to win the bet. At this point the man gives up and orders the bartender to give him some whisky. After “a few drinks”, the man, completely drunk, says: “fuck you, I will take the bet!” and puts $100 on the bar counter.

Staggering, he walks over to Big Jim and kicks him in the balls, knocking him out. He remembers the second test, gets out of the bar and face Big Jim’s dog. At first the dog started to growl, then it starts to howl, and then silence… A few seconds later the man returns to the bar and asks the bartender “AND NOW WHERE IS THE OLD WOMAN WHOSE TOOTH I HAVE TO REMOVE?”

2) Ok says the man, whats with the jar of money? Well, says the bartender, if you can make that horse outside laugh, you win all the entrance money. So the man goes outside, whispers in the horses ear, and sure enough after a moment, the horse starts visibly laughing, pawing at the air with its hoof. The man collects his winnings, walks out and isn’t seen for a few months. The next time the man walks into the bar, the jar has filled back up, so he nods to the bartender and says “same again?” To which the bartender says, “no, he hasn’t shut up since last time you were in.

It’s driving me mad all night with the horse laughing. Now the bet is to make the horse cry.” So the man smiles, throws a hundred in the jar and walks outside where the horse sees him and has a fit of hysterics. Which abruptly comes to a stop. The man heads back in and snatches up the jar just as the horse starts sobbing. He’s halfway to the door before the barkeep stops him with a shout. “Mr! Are you some kind of horse expert or something?” “Aw, no” says the man, “I just told him the first time my dick was bigger’un his.” “The second time, I showed him!”

3) A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

4) So a stoner, a whoremonger, and an alcoholic are all on the bus together when they get in a fatal crash. Naturally, they go to hell for their sins, and when they meet the devil instead of damnation he first offers them 100 years in the room of their preferred sin with the condition they cannot leave even once. All three men, of course, gleefully accept the offer and go into their respective rooms. 100 years later, the devil checks on the room with the whoremonger and upon opening the door is met with “OH, THANK GOD ITS YOU! YOURE BACK!” His body was chapped and worn, his manhood bruised to a pulp from overuse, he said “I swear I repent, I will never lust after a woman again! Just let me free!”

“Very well”, says the devil, and goes to check on the room with the alcoholic. Upon opening the door is met with “OH, THANK GOD ITS YOU! YOURE BACK!” He looked sicker than a corpse with the hangover, the room covered in vomit and half finished bottles, he said “I swear I repent, I will never taste a drop of alcohol again! Just let me free!” “Very well”, says the devil, and goes to check on the room with the stoner. Upon opening the door, he hears no yelling or begging, but instead sees the man sitting in the middle of a cannabis garden more lush than Eden, gently crying. The devil approaches him and asks, “so, how did you enjoy your century of sin?”, to which the man tearfully replies “…you forgot to give me a lighter.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.