1) A blonde was going door to door… She was looking to do odd jobs and chores to make some extra money. She knocks on a door, a guy answers and she asks if he has any chores he needs done. He said “sure I need my porch painted. I’ll give you $100 if you do a good job”. He shows her where the paint and brushes are and she says she’ll make it look great. 30 minutes later, she knocks on his door and says “I’m done” and he replies “already? I thought it would take hours”. She assured him she was finished and then said “by the way, that’s a Ferrari, not a porch”.
2) A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
‘C Z W I V N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’
Janey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?” Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?” Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”. The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?” Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and shove it up your ass!”
So I was having s*x with my girlfriend at her parent’s house and we were really getting it on with her moaning and groaning which woke up her dad. We were really in the heat of it so we never noticed when he walked upstairs and then walked in on us. “Dad!” my girlfriend exclaimed in a panic “I…I’m sorry” The dad being, a dad, replies “Hi sorry, I’m Dad!” He then turns to me and asks “Are you f*cking sorry?”
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man re- plied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, ‘‘There’s some asshle out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.’’ As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ‘‘. . . and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.’’
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, ‘‘You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.
You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?’’ The boy replied, ‘‘Minnesota sir.’’ ‘‘Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?’’ asked the manager.
The boy replied, ‘‘They’re all just whres and hockey players up there.’ ‘‘Is that right?’’ said the manager, ‘‘My wife is from Minnesota!’’ The boy replied, ‘‘No kidding . . . what team did she play for?’’