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1) Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
“Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Dad... I became a prostitute.” “Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”
“OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for the Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.””What was it ye said ye had become?”, says Dad.
Girl, crying again, “A prostitute, Daddy!” “Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”
2) A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him.
The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat.
He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion exclaims, “oh my god! It’s in the paper already?”
3) A 75 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife! Friend: “How did you convince her to marry you?”
Billionaire: “I lied about my age!” Friend: “You said 58?”
Billionaire: “No! I told her I was 90”
4) A cop stopped a guy for speeding… Cop said: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
The guy replied: “I was trying to keep up with traffic” The cop said: “But there is no traffic”
And the guy answered: “That’s how far behind I am”
5) “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.” The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?
“Yes, Father, it is.” “And who was the girl you were with?” Joey – “I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
Father – “Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
Joey – “I cannot say.” Father – “Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?” “I’ll never tell.”
Father – “Was it Nina Capelli?” Joey – “I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
Father -“Was it Cathy Piriano?” Joey – “My lips are sealed.”
Father – “Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?” Joey – “Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads…”
6) A passenger plane is flying through the Himalayas. Suddenly, a giant mountain appears. It does not seem like that the plane is able to fly over the mountain.
The pilot says: “Dear passengers, please stay calm. Due to exceeding our weight limit, our plane is not flying at our desired altitude.
So in order to gain more altitude and fly over this mountain, we have to discard all the luggage.”
The passengers, though very unhappy about it, are more concerned about their safety.
So after the luggage is discarded, the plane is able to fly over the mountain. Everybody claps.
However, another mountain appears, thus one even higher than the last one.
Pilot: “Dear passengers, we sadly have not reached our desired altitude yet.
Thus, we have to throw out all your backpacks, laptops, and other loose objects in order to lose weight.”
Same with last time, the passengers do as told, so the plane gains altitude and flies over the mountain.
Everybody claps. Finally, an unbelievably high mountain appears, easily topping the first two.
Pilot: “Dear passengers, I am sad to inform you that we do not have the necessary altitude to pass this mountain.
Furthermore, we have discarded nearly everything. But fear not, this plane is able to detach its floor to lose even more weight!
However, you have to hold on to the handrails on the ceiling until the end if the flight. I am sorry there is no other choice…”
The passengers do as told and grab on to the handrails while the floor is being detached. With that done, the plane passes the mountain.
Pilot: “We have now passed the last mountain. Thank you very much for your cooperation!”