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1) Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
“Why”? Putin asks ” I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep.
I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. – I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday
and she tells me she had it yesterday. – I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year,
and he says it will be tomorrow.” “Indeed” Putin replies “but that’s only minor stuff,
remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences,
but the plane hadn’t taken off yet!!”
2) One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little
girl on her brand-new bike. The cop says to the young girl, “Nice bike you got there sweetheart.
Did Santa bring that to you?”“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly. With a smile on his face, the cop
says “Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket.
Before the cop rides off she says “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Playing along the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
“Well, next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”
3) 4 tips for guys for successful relationships
It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.
It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.
It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickness and in health.
It’s absolutely fucking vital that these three women do not know each other.
4) I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?”
Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this Rooster have?”
Homeless man: “Correct again! Now look over there, you see a Cat right?
Me: “Yes, I see a cat”
Homeless man: “how many hairs on that cat’s whiskers?”
Me: “I don’t know?”
Homeless man: “Bro, why you know so much about cock and know nothing about pussy?”
5)My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning,
and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed.
So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle
and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?”
Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.