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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says…. ”We only have one rule here in heaven, don’t step on the ducks!” So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Well, along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says.
“Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!” The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. And then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on – Very tall, long eyelashes.and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says. “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says. “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied: “He went that way.”
After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to war to Iraq.”
The nun said: “I understand completely.”
The soldier added: “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied: “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don’t want to go to Iraq either!
1) Professor X asks a girl, “what is your mutant power?”
Girl replies: “I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!”
She points up and says: “3 pulls”
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: “Yeah that’s cool and all, but not really a super power…”
Girl: “Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics”
Professor X, still standing: “OH. MY. GODDD !!!!”
2) I used to date this cross-eyed chick
We didn’t last. We did not see eye-to-eye.
It’s OK though. She was seeing someone on the side anyway.
3) “What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
4) I asked a homeless man if I gave him $20 would you buy booze
He said no & hadn’t had a beer in years. I said if I give you $20 will you buy race car parts? He again said no, he got rid of his race car 15 years ago.
So then I said I’ll do you better than $20.
I’ll take you home get you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I’ll bring you back & still give you $20. He asked me won’t she get mad? I said it didn’t matter. I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & drag racing.
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