Jokes and Memes of 9 October 2021

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A Mother had 3 virg*n daughters they were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their s*x life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital s*x felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Nescafe.” Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop.” Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read:

“Benson&Hedges”. Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: “Extra Long King Size.” She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: “British Airways”. Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.” (Mom fainted)

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can’t afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new “gorilla” becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the “Human-like” gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples’ attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions’ den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion’s den. The man starts screaming “HELP!! HELP!!!” Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, “Shut the fuck up right now or you’re going to get us both fired.”

A dad overhears his daughter… One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said “bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad”. He found this weird but didn’t say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coincidence and carried on.

A week later, he again overhears his daughter praying. This time she says “bless mom, bless dad, goodbye grandma”. The dad figures this is a good way to put his fears to rest, but sure enough before the day ended, the family finds out her grandmother is no more. Now the dad is freaking the fuck out, he thinks his daughter has supernatural abilities and shit.

A week later, he hears his daughter praying again. “Bless mom, bless brother, goodbye dad”. The dad loses his shit and can’t think straight. He drives straight to office and locks the door. He refuses to eat all day, constantly checking the windows and doors. He thinks if he can just make it to the end of the day he’ll be alright.

Finally it passes midnight and he sighs of relief. He drives home confident his daughter is full of shit. His wife meets him at the door and gives him an earful about how it’s 1 am. He says “Yeah babe, I had the worst day at work today”. She replies with “Oh yeah? My day was worse. The fucking mailman dropped dead on our porch.”

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